Tips For Writing Your Own Vows

Writing your wedding vows might be one of the most challenging tasks you can set yourself in the lead up to your nuptials, but equally, it's one of the most rewarding.

Summing up how you feel about your partner, your love for each other and aspirations for your future in just a couple of minutes in front of a room filled with your nearest and dearest can seem an overwhelming undertaking.

However, for many couples, writing personal wedding vows serves as the perfect opportunity to take stock of your relationship and share loving words and promises to each other that can be more meaningful than traditional, out-dated or religious vows.

'I once had a couple whose answers to "when did you know she/he was the one?" were almost identical, from the descriptions of the moment, to the emotions they both felt,' says Tanya Pushkine, the self-proclaimed VowWhisperer, who has helped countless couples perfect their vows over the years. 'It was uncanny and almost surreal. 'The guests were in awe that these two people were so in sync.'

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We spoke to several experts from the wedding industry to find out their top tips for writing wedding vows like a professional. Keats, eat your heart out.

What are the benefits of writing your own vows?

Putting emotions into words often leaves the most talented of wordsmiths tongue-tied, but what better time to try to express how you feel for a loved one than on your wedding day?

'More than ever before, couples are wanting to write their own rules and make the ceremony about who they are as individuals and as a couple. People are tired of hearing the same old traditional vows - they want uniqueness,' says Pushkine.

'The guests were in awe that these two were in such sync'

According to the vow expert, well written vows 'tell a beautiful story' and 'enhance the entire experience' of a wedding. 'Something that came out of the pandemic is that the ceremony became the focal point. The accoutrements of the "normal" wedding just weren't there, so spoken word in the ceremony became the most important element.'

In 2018, ELLE UK's executive digital editor Natasha Bird and her now-husband said 'I do' at their London-based wedding. For the couple, writing their vows was a crucial part of their day.

'We decided if were to get married, we would interrogate every part of the process to make sure it suited our needs,' she says.

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'We didn't want any of the antiquated language about women serving their husbands or God. We wanted our commitment to each other to be worded exactly to suit our relationship. I wasn't about to make any promises I couldn't keep, but I also wanted him to know that the things I was avowing to do would mean something to him, and vice versa.

'Our vows would form a singular kind of commitment, and something we could never promise to anyone else in the world.'

What are common mistakes people make when writing their own vows?

You can pretty much write anything you want in your wedding vows, but it's worth remembering that your friends and family will be listening to what you've got to say, so choose your words wisely.

According to Heather B. Dsenisi, a registration officer for Islington and London City, while writing wedding vows is invited at registry offices, marriage ceremonies still require the legally binding vows to be married. 'You can then add personal vows afterwards if you choose,' she notes.

'More than ever before, couples are wanting to write their own rules'

'If you choose to have a civil partnership, the law is different. It's the signing of the paperwork that makes the union legal, not the speaking of the vows. This means you could just use the personal vows you have written, if you prefer.'

Dsenisi suggests before writing your vows you first check wtih your registrar/religious individual conducting the ceremony whether personal vows can be added. In addition, confirm whether the content of your personal vows is permitted.

'For example, at a civil ceremony, you can't use any religious wording,' she says. 'People often want to add "to have and to hold, for richer for poorer", but they don't realise that this is part of the Church of England marriage ceremony, so it can't be used at a civil ceremony.'

How long should vows be?

You can certainly attempt to rival all 736 pages of Hanya Yanagihara A Little Life if you wish, but Pushkine suggests keeping vows to no longer than 500 words.

'Sadly, we don't have the attention span needed anymore for a long ceremony, nor is it necessary,' she says. 'I often tell couples that if there is more material they want to include, use it in a letter and give it to each other privately.' Alternatively, you could prepare a separate speech for the reception when the drinks are flowing and you have more time.

While many couples will want to keep their vows secret from each other until their wedding day, Bird advises brides and grooms to agree on a basic structure and length. 'You want the emotions to be real as you each hear each other's promises for the first time, but it could get very awkward if one person goes on for ten minutes while the other is short and sweet,' she notes.

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As a result of Covid-19 restrictions, Dsenisi also warns couples that ceremonies are now shorter than usual, as recommended by the government, so many couples have not been able to include personal vows. 'Hopefully that will all change as planned at the end of July,' she notes, advising couples to check this detail with their wedding venues.

What do you need to think about when writing your vows?

Now comes the tricky business. Pushkine suggests that when it comes to writing your vows you'll want to consider your reasons for marrying your partner, how they've made you a better person, how you wish to support their dreams, what you hope your future looks like together and what you realistically want to promise.

As for the practical side of reading aloud your vows, Dsenisi wants brides and grooms to consider the following:

Do you need glasses to read? Will you be wearing these during the ceremony or need them close by for the vows?
How likely are you to cry? Do you need tissues to hand?
What style of ceremony are you having?

'For a relaxed ceremony, vows such as "I promise to always wash up my coffee mug" can be fun, but at a more formal ceremony, you may want to write more serious vows,' she notes.

What are your top tips for writing vows?

When it comes to putting pen to paper (or finger to keypad), Pushkine says you're best off starting with a 'massive brain dump' to get your ideas flowing. 'Try and re-live some of the most wonderful moments you've shared and the experiences that led you here. And then cut, cut and cut. The biggest tip is not to wait until the last minute to write them.'

'At a civil ceremony you can't use any religious wording'

Dsenisi also advises couples to consider their audience ('remember that even though you are writing them in private, you will be reading them in front of friends and family') and practice speaking the vows out loud in the mirror before the big day so you can hear how the vows sound.

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'Personal vows should not add stress to your special day, so if public speaking causes anxiety for one or both of you, maybe consider printing your personal vows in your order of service booklet, rather than speaking them, or reading them to each other privately at another point in the day,' she notes.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to add some personality and light-heartedness into the mix, when appropriate. 'Add pathos and levity in equal measure,' Bird suggests. 'As much as making vows to each other is a serious business, you can have fun with it too and in such an emotional day, a bit of humour is essential for both you and your audience.'

How should you structure your vows?

When it comes to creating a natural, flowing structure for your thoughts, start your vows by including some thoughts about your lives together up to this point. 'This could be how you met, your children or your travels together,' says Dsenisi.

Then think about what makes your partner person so special to you, whether its their kindness and strength or drive and values.

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Finally include no more than six promises, according to Pushkine, and agree on how fun or serious you want your vows to be. 'We included a series of five or six vows that were both fun and more serious. It meant they were heard with fresh ears, but were still perfectly balanced,' says Bird.

According to Dsenisi, it's also traditional – but not essential - to end vows with words that show your lasting commitment to your promises, such as "for the rest of our lives together" or "always and forever".'

How far in advance should you write your vows?

If you're someone who leaves projects to the last minute and works best under pressure, the experts advise steering clear of caffeine-induced all-nighters when it comes to vow writing.

Pushkine suggests couples start writing their vows at least two months before the big day. Fortunately, most registry offices and religious venues ask couples to submit their personal choices for their ceremony a few weeks ahead anyway.

'This is to check that the choices the couple have made are fitting for the type of ceremony they are having, and also so the person conducting the ceremony can prepare the ceremony as the couple want,' notes Dsenisi.

'Add pathos and levity in equal measure'

Bird wrote hers while on a longhaul flight to New York six months before her wedding. 'Alone with my thoughts, it was a brilliant time to reflect on us as a couple and it all just flowed easily onto the paper,' she admits.

A top tip for keeping your vows balanced:

Bird suggests, 'the best vows are individual and full of personality, but balanced with your partner's. It's not going to go over well if one set is just lighthearted joshing, while the other delivers theirs with a stream of tears. So, if you don't want to have to reveal your writing to each other ahead of the day, you can pick one trusted person to look over them and give selective feedback.

'We both sent our vows to my uncle a couple of weeks before the wedding. Just so he could flag if they were so glaringly different that it was going to be embarrassing. We didn't have to reveal anything to each other, but an independent person was able to let us know if we needed to make any tweaks.'

How should you read your vows?

The last thing you want to do on the morning of your wedding is realise you've forgotten to print off your vows or can't locate the Word document on your laptop.

With this in mind, the experts suggest printing off your vows well in advance or using a tablet, with a printed document as a back-up. Alternatively, you could buy a vow book which will later serve as a keepsake for family or future generations.

'Think about how your photos will look - would you prefer to use smaller notecards rather than an A4 sheet of paper, hold your phone, or have your vows printed in a small book?' questions Dsenisi.

Katie O'Malley Deputy Digital Editor Katie O'Malley is the Deputy Digital Editor, at ELLE UK.

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